Andy Cabic Interview

I was recently interviewed by Nick Forshaw of internet music magazine Twisted Ear, who was under the mistaken belief that I was Andy Cabic of the band Vetiver. I am not sure how his email arrived in my inbox, but on impulse I decided to oblige him nonetheless.
-----Original Message-----From: nick forshaw
JAMIE CABBAGE
Hello Jamie – it is a pleasure to be interviewing you, even if it is in this strange and stilted format. Hope you are well, and feeling splendid. Spring has come with a lot of sunshine here in the UK, so everyone’s feeling pretty fruity.
Here come those questions….
Where are you right now and what time is it?
[James] At work. It is just after lunch time.
What’s the best way of keeping a beard in check whilst on the road? Or should one just let the hair fall as it may?
[James] Face sheep. Tiny sheep that gently graze while you sleep.
If the Zero Degrees of Separation musicians were Sesame Street characters, who would be who? Would Adem be Elmo?
[James] Yes, he would. I would be Big Bird. I've always wanted to be a big bird
Did you ever secretly experiment with Juana Molina’s magical sound machines whilst she was not looking? Were the results what you expected?
[James] Yes, she enjoyed it, I think
What’s the most impossible meal you have ever had to eat?
[James] Invisible odourless spaghetti
What was the first R rated movie you ever saw?
[James] Roger Rabbit
Can you tell us a little bit about the arboretum? And who was Dwight?
[James] It was Reg Dwight, of Elton John and the Eltones. We used to run a plant nursery together during the 1920s. One day he discovered a piano under an old Berberis Darwinii, and started knocking out a few tunes. The rest, as they say, is historical.
If you had to cancel out any season which one would it be and why?
[James] Salt, definitely
What is harder – to make someone laugh or to make someone dance?
[James] I can make someone laugh by dancing at them.
If you could have prevented any invention in the whole of human history, which would it have been and why?
[James] Wheelbarrows. They freak me out.
Who’s the most exciting artist (musical or otherwise) in the world right now?
[James] Prince Philip..?
What’s your favourite smell?
[James] I like the way cats smell like hotdogs when you get close up.
What’s the worst song you have had to endure in the past 12 months?
[James] Happy Birthday, Mr President, by Marilyn Monroe, over and over again. I haven't even had a birthday yet.
Are you a Batman kinda guy or a Superman kinda guy and why?
[James] Batman. Like him, I have a really useful belt.
What’s your favourite chord change?
[James] A to B. it always kind of gets you where you want to go
What’s the ugliest animal in the world?
[James] Janet Street Porter.
Did you ever want to be anything other than a musician?
[James] A policeman. No, a motorbike man. No, a policeman.
Are there any magical secret artists that Gnomonsong are planning to bring forth to the world that we should be getting excited about?
[James] Recent signings: Lionbread; the Beast of Roger Moore; Vivisectionista
Are there any secret Vetiver developments that you are getting excited about?
[James] Within 6 months we will have full nuclear capability
What’s the worst thing that has been discarded by human history and do you think we could get it back?
[James] No
How are you feeling right now?
[James] I feel like lichen tonight
Thanks for taking the time to do this, hope everything is lovely with you and your kith and kin,
Nick
[James] My pleasure, Nick. If that is your real name.

How it all began

We were very poor when I was growing up. It was difficult finding enough to get by. One day, I was going to the market to sell our only cow. On the way there I met a man who said he would give me some magic beans for it. So I gave him the cow, and went back home with the magic beans.
When I got back to the house my mother asked me how much I got for the cow, and I said I didn’t get any money, instead I have these magic beans. My mother was mad at me and said how can we buy food without any money? And I said, well, we can eat the beans. So we had the magic beans on some toast, and then I did a magic fart.

Plinky plinky plinky

I must have made a typographical error while searching for this unusually named old schoolmate.
Google suggested:
Did you mean: plinky plonky plinky
Yes, of course I did, Google. Well spotted.

Wooden leg

I've got a WOODEN LEG.
And it's not in my trousers.

Collective Nouns

I was reading in the generic newspaper the other day that the Uxbridge English Dictionary has updated its list of collective nouns. Here are some of the new ones:

A jereboam of fat look-alikes
A ring of paediatricians
A collision of egos
An incomprehensible shouting of tramps
A Michael of portaloos
A council of chieves
A booty of bottoms
A tray of rhinos
A beard of bees
A hill of fools
A liking of potatoes