My Local

A horse walks into a bar.
The barman says, 'Why the long face?'
The horse says, 'My wife just left me.'

A bear walks into this bar.
He goes, 'I'll have a pint of ale......and a packet of crisps please.'
The barman says, 'Why are your hands so big?'

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar.
The barman says, 'What is this, some kind of joke?'
The Welshman sitting in the corner goes, 'Well, it was going to be, but you've spoilt it now.'

A fish walks into a bar. He goes, 'Bloop bloobloop bloop.'
The barman says, 'Bloob blop bloop bloop?'
The fish says, 'I'm sorry, I didn't realise this was a gay bar.'

Ulaan Bataar - a play

I can't play the Ulaan Bataar. Can you play the Ulaan Bataar?

No, but I can play the Orang Utan.
It means orange of the forest.

I thought it meant utility monkey. Because they're like Swiss Army Apes.

Well, I went to Switzerland and didn't see a single one.

That's because they keep them in chocolate clocks. Terry's Chocolate Orang.
Tick tock bong. Yum.

Joys vs Sorrows

THE SORROW OF LIFE
POSIDIPPUS

What path of life may one hold? In the market-place are strifes and hard dealings, in the house cares; in the country labour enough, and at sea terror; and abroad, if thou hast aught, fear, and if thou art in poverty, vexation. Art married? thou wilt not be without anxieties; unmarried? thy life is yet lonelier. Children are troubles; a childless life is a crippled one. Youth is foolish, and grey hairs again feeble. In the end then the choice is of one of these two, either never to be born, or, as soon as born, to die.

THE JOY OF LIFE
METRODORUS

Hold every path of life. In the market-place are honours and prudent dealings, in the house rest; in the country the charm of nature, and at sea gain; and abroad, if thou hast aught, glory, and if thou art in poverty, thou alone knowest it. Art married? so will thine household be best; unmarried? thy life is yet lighter. Children are darlings; a childless life is an unanxious one: youth is strong, and grey hairs again reverend. The choice is not then of one of the two, either never to be born or to die; for all things are good in life.

(Select Epigrams from the Greek Anthology by J. W. Mackail)

Glass half empty vs Glass half full:

Combo

I need new spectacles.
I also need new walking boots.
And I need a new ipod.
If I can find a shop that sells mp3-playing footwear that cures myopia I'll be sorted.
They do that sort of thing with mobile phones. It can only be a matter of time.
Now be gone with you; I need to polish my knobkerry.

Why?

There is a weird construction boom going on in central London. People keep building cranes. From the window of my office I can see 8 or 9 skeletal derricks. Why?
Perhaps it is some sort of air defence system.
Also, why does my beard have so many split ends?

Military History Joke

I've invented a new flavour of ice cream, called the Gallipolitan.
It's flavoured with Kiwi, sand and Turkish Delight.

Spamela Anderson

I often receive fanmail from people I don't know, who are concerned about my self esteem and want to help me feel good about my appearance. Here are some of the emails I have received recently:

Dream of nice shape body?

Abolish disgusting fats!

Profit by the chance! – The latest & most delighting lose flesh product available – As were seen on Oprah.

Can you imagine that you are healthy?

Obesity is dangerous, stop it!

Our Warmest Helloes!!! Incomparable proposition for you Dear Customers!!!Only these five days for our clients unthinkable offer!!! On all medicinal remedies you want!!! Fill your life with colours of festivity!!!

WE ALWAYS GIVE YOU TO UNKNOWN ALL HER WISHES. MAKE HER DREAMT THAT SHE NEVER HAD BEFORE. MEN YOU WILL BE FULL OF PROVIDE TO UNBELIEVABLE YOUR WOMEN!

The guys get jealous now when they see me in the bathroom, my banger is HUGE now thanks to this pill.

Cuties always whizgiggled at me and even chaps did in the open toilet! Well, now I sriek at them, because I took this pill for 5 months and now my tool is dreadfully bigger than world!