Excuse me, mister, if you'd like to kindly step this way...

I've a fine selection of gentlemen's threads
Purloined from a rascal while he grabbed his zeds:
Tunics, jerkins, weskits and britches,
Stockings and sockings and smalls (free of itches!)
Hats with a tricorn, a bicorn or peak on it,
Syrups, rugs, toupes (rest assured I won't speak on it)
And all can be offered at a beggar-me fee
I must shift 'em quick, 'cos the law's after me...

More spam

Things have moved on from the days of, 'I am an exiled West African finance minister, and I need someone to buy pies for me on the internet in return for a 10% pie commission'. Today I received this spam mail:

Drusilla's Zoo in South-East England have an excess of Colobus Monkeys. They are working in conjunction with Microsoft and the RSPCA to relieve this ape overload by giving away monkeys to anyone who wants one. All you have to do is forward this email to 5 of your friends. Within one week you will be contacted by Drusilla Monkey Deliveries to arrange a time to deliver your monkey. And whatever you wished for will come true. As long as you wished for a monkey.

Space Cats

Recently I have become obsessed with space cats. I don't know why. I think it is their cute little astronaut suits and their laser guns. They have been fighting the moon pigs for 3 eons now, but they seem to be doing OK. I hope they win.

The Horror

Ghost stories are one of the things I love about Christmas. At this cold, dark time of year, with the wind howling and leaves on the line, there is nothing better than to gather together for warmth and companionship; to huddle close and share spooky stories.

My family are rubbish at ghost stories, so I have rented a number of classic horror films to while away the cold gloomy evenings. Here are some that I am particularly looking forward to:

The Bats are Squeaking
The Ghost of the Marmalady
The Day the Vampiriton Failed
Twilight of the Long-Eared Gerboa
Murdery Knife
Fatal Incompetence
The Lurgy
The H_ngm_n
The Guest in Room 177 Who Has No Shoes
The Thingy
The Hell-evator
The Beast of Patrick Moore
Poltergeist Cockney Returns
Hairstyle of the Werewolf
Dracula's Aviary Part 2
Killaholics Anonymous
Beam me up, Spooky (Star Trek spin-off)

A story

It was a sunny morning but there was a sharp December chill in the air as I walked briskly up Kingsway among the rush-hour pedestrians. My faithful German boy-servant Capable Hans was beside me, skipping a little to keep up with my stride. I had partaken of a little too much Old Watkin's Tubthumper the previous evening, and my condition must have been obvious because, entirely unbidden, Hans slowed briefly to hover by a news stand, and then expertly removed a can of Dr Fizzy on my behalf while the stallkeeper's attention was elsewhere.

'Now less sugar' the can said. And less flavour, it became apparent. 'Can you handle the taste?' the can asked. I was more than capable of doing so.

Up ahead was an student from the arts college, baseball cap set high on his ginger afro and his skinny trousers so tight that the movement of his legs was constricted. As I overtook him I seemed to catch him winking at Hans, but Hans appeared not to notice. I was about to comment, but we had arrived at the door to my office.

It was an inconspicuous and dusty teak double door, set back slightly from the street, in a grey granite block of a building. There was, from the outside, no indication as to what went on within.
(to be continued)

Magpies

Magpies, like other members of the crow family, have long been the subject of various myths and superstitions. In the UK, Magpies were long seen as omens predicting the future happiness, or otherwise, of their observer. For example, seeing 1 magpie signified bad luck, while 2 magpies might indicate that you were destined to play football or maybe feel a bit off next Thursday. Here is a song that helps you remember what different numbers of magpies might signify:

Magpies (traditional)
1 for sorrow
2 for a boy
3 for pharisee
4 for tin alloy
5 for cheese sandwiches
6 for shrubs
7 for granddad's nostrils
8 for gay pubs
9 for free rail travel for a year
10 for the gibbous moon
11 for the lurgy
12 for a balloon that says 'my other balloon's a hot air one' on it