Back to the coal face

Things change quickly at my office. A number of innovations have been introduced that will increase productivity and improve the work ethic.
1. we have had wireless mice (and unfortunately the mammalian ones too) for some time, but I hear we're now to be given hands-free keyboards. These will plug directly into the user's brain via a USB port sunk into his forehead. This will allow the worker to type simply by thinking the letters one by one, leaving his hands free to operate the telephone, change the contrast on his PC monitor or pick his nose.
2. the watercooler grapevine has it that our new company theme song will be 'Take Five' by the Dave Brubeck Trio.
3. my department can sometimes get a little busy and tempers rise, so we are introducing a swearbox. Each time one of us uses a swearword we must put a pound in the box. Special dispensation has been give to my colleague Dave Cock because it could otherwise be difficult for him.